Life and things that resemble it

Suddenly I'm 5 again. I'm sitting under my grandparents kitchen table listening to the adults talk about life. & I'm not ready for what comes next, because I don't get it. I feel lost.

& nobody knows I'm under here.
***
I sat at his bedside and stared at the television.
What do you say to someone you love so much
when you know their ultimate fate?
There was small talk over the football game.
There was chit chat about the nurses.
There were bits and pieces about our family.
He cracked jokes as he took deep breaths of oxygen through the mask strapped to his face.
He wouldn't be him if he didn't.
I watched as the numbers on the machines around us changed.
I worried about what they meant.
I tried smiling as much as I could because I needed him to see that smile.
I want my smile to stay with him wherever he goes.
While talking about family, ex-family, future family... I noticed the mood changing a bit.
Then it happened. My grandfather, the comedian, the story teller, got a serious look on his face.
He looked me in the eyes as he spoke his next words to me.
"Relationships, of any kind have to be hustled, baby. Sometimes there will be knock down-drag outs, but that's life. You've gotta keep trying. Both people... you've gotta keep trying. Sometimes you have to make yourself remember why you're there. That's love and life & it's worth it. I know that much."
I nodded and squeezed his hand.
"Well, Gan Gan... I'm pretty sure that's all anyone needs to know." ,
I said with a tearful smile.
I'll take his words with me wherever I go.

My sweet Grandfather is being sent home from the hospital this evening. Hospice and God are taking over now.
***
I think my 5 year old self will stay hidden under the table a while longer...
because it's scary out there.

Please keep us all in your prayers.
I need you now.

My Love,
Lacey

photo cred