Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Life and things that resemble it

Suddenly I'm 5 again. I'm sitting under my grandparents kitchen table listening to the adults talk about life. & I'm not ready for what comes next, because I don't get it. I feel lost.

& nobody knows I'm under here.
I sat at his bedside and stared at the television.
What do you say to someone you love so much
when you know their ultimate fate?
There was small talk over the football game.
There was chit chat about the nurses.
There were bits and pieces about our family.
He cracked jokes as he took deep breaths of oxygen through the mask strapped to his face.
He wouldn't be him if he didn't.
I watched as the numbers on the machines around us changed.
I worried about what they meant.
I tried smiling as much as I could because I needed him to see that smile.
I want my smile to stay with him wherever he goes.
While talking about family, ex-family, future family... I noticed the mood changing a bit.
Then it happened. My grandfather, the comedian, the story teller, got a serious look on his face.
He looked me in the eyes as he spoke his next words to me.
"Relationships, of any kind have to be hustled, baby. Sometimes there will be knock down-drag outs, but that's life. You've gotta keep trying. Both people... you've gotta keep trying. Sometimes you have to make yourself remember why you're there. That's love and life & it's worth it. I know that much."
I nodded and squeezed his hand.
"Well, Gan Gan... I'm pretty sure that's all anyone needs to know." ,
I said with a tearful smile.
I'll take his words with me wherever I go.

My sweet Grandfather is being sent home from the hospital this evening. Hospice and God are taking over now.
I think my 5 year old self will stay hidden under the table a while longer...
because it's scary out there.

Please keep us all in your prayers.
I need you now.

My Love,

30 love notes:

  1. Oh my sweets....I am so so sorry. I just went through this with my favored paps and I know the pain.

    You know I am here. And praying, always!

  2. Sending so much love to you and yours!

  3. all my prayers and wishes go out to your family- love as well Lacey- stay strong.

  4. Thinking about you and praying for your family.

  5. i still ahve my grandparents but every time they get sick i think the worst & just crumble... my prayers are w/you & your grand-daddy.... stay strong & keep smiling for him. That is what he wants!! :)

  6. Just started following your blog. Love it and will keep you and your family in my prayers. xo

  7. Oh Lacey.

    I'm so very sorry.

    Sending you huge hugs and prayers.


  8. oh love! My heart aches for you and your family. Sending you love and prayers.

    let me know if theres anything I can do for you!

  9. hope your ok hun. all my condelecense.


  10. I'm so sorry and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

  11. I'll keep grandaddys advice with me every day. That's about as much as I can say on this blog without crying...more. I'll call.

  12. I'm so sorry! Thinking of you today!

  13. I am so sorry. A special relationship with a Papa is the greatest thing. Hugs. and Prayers.

  14. Sending lots of thoughts, prayers and hugs your way pretty lady

  15. I am so sorry to hear that! You and your family are in my prayers.

  16. The tears are flowing, girl. I am so sorry for your pain. I love the words he said to you, and I know you will never forget them.

    I lost my Grandma 3 years ago, and we were really close. I cherish so much what she taught me and she will never be forgotten.

    Love you girlie, and you are in my prayers!

  17. Found you through Summer's blog and oh sweet girl, I'll be praying for you! This post is so bittersweet it brought tears to my eyes.

    Reading some of your past posts, it sounds like you're a Louisiana girl too! What part are you in (if it's not a blog secret)? I NEVER find other LA bloggy friends!

  18. Oh, Lacey :( I'm really sorry, Lace. Will keep your grandpa on my prayers. *hugs*

  19. Oh Lacey... i will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers.. I just lost my grandpa in April and it was harder than I ever imagined. Sending lots of HUGS your way!

  20. You're most definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

    This post was beautiful, and your granddaddy reminds me a lot of mine, who passed away in April. The great thing is that their jokes and words of wisdom will always be with us, shaping us into the people we are.

    Stay strong, keep smiling and know that we all love you and are praying for the best. :)

  21. OH Lace, I'm so sorry. Thinking of your family during this time.

  22. i love you, sweetness.

    my heart is with you today and whenever else you may need it.

  23. Lace, I'm keeping you and your family and your dear grandfather in my heart and thoughts and prayers. No matter what happens, it sounds like this great man has touched your life in many ways, and that will keep him with you forever.

  24. What a sad situation. Keeping you in my thoughts.

  25. I love your grandpa's words, so truthful.

  26. Your grandfather sounds like an amazing man. Im praying for him

  27. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family. I lost my Grandpa last weekend and it's been tough. Its hard to love someone so much.

  28. I'm so sorry. :( You and you family are in my thoughts & prayers.

    Sending lots of hugs your way, lady.


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