Saturday, January 15, 2011

Like A Child

I was tired. I yawned & wiped my sleepy, watery eyes. I peeped over the fluffy comforter to see my boyfriend's handsomeness, completely lost in dreamland. I ran my hands over the covers in search of the remote, dying at this point to turn the television off and drift away to dreamland alongside him.

TV off and eyes shut, I twisted and turned. My heart began to beat faster & my chest became heavy. I felt the urge to cry. I did laps around my brain, searching for a reason to feel this way... but I came up with nothing. I panic. I try to get back to where I was a moment ago.
Remote in hand, i fumble for the power button and soon the room fills with glow.

I am in my cozy bed. I have my very necessary hugging pillow in my arms, my sweet boyfriend is an inch away & as far as my eyes(and brain) can see... all is well. This is something my mind and body just can't grasp though. I continue to grow uncomfortable & anxious. I fight the tears and tell myself I'm fine.

MR rolls over and gives me his routine "Go to bed, babe", and then scoots to where our faces are across from one another. "I feel uncomfortable & anxious", I tell him. He becomes alert and concerned "What is wrong?" he asks. "I just don't know..." I murmur, "I want to cry." He pulls me in close & kisses my forehead. "Relax honey. It's just me and you and everything is just fine." I take a deep breath and try to get my mind right. And then there were tears.

He held me and let me cry and feel whatever it was my brain was forcing me to feel. He whispered sweet words in my ear and kissed my tear wet face... "Whatever this is that you're dealing with..." he said, "you're never going to have to deal with it alone." I'm so lucky to have MR, who is so understanding of all of this. He holds me and loves me and stands by my side during my very worst moments and my very best.

I can't explain why I felt that way or why I've felt a little down since that night. The last time I couldn't explain my anxiety, I was a child. And I suppose that's how I've been feeling these last few days. A little scared, a little empty, a little lost... like a child.

post edit:
hi guys :) A few answers to questions in the comments and email messages:
1) No, I did not draw that picture! It's via we♥it ... there's a linky under & to the right of the picture :)
2) If you've been around here a while, you know this isn't my first rodeo with anxiety. I've had a disorder my entire life, so unfortunately, I'm used to it. It's just been a while since I had to deal with it. This is also the first time I've been completely and utterly happy in a relationship and dealt with it.

3) thanks for the love

13 love notes:

  1. Oh hun! So honest and true. Sometimes we can't control our crazy emotions, and they arrive for no reason!

  2. I know the feeling. I've actually felt this way lately, but how cute and sweet of him... <3

  3. There is absolutely nothing better in the world than having an amazing guy who loves you, protects you, and holds you close. I am blessed to have one of those guys, and so are you. Lucky girls!

  4. This is the sweetest thing I've read in a long time. I so wish I had a Mr. to hold me when I cry right now... So sorry you're feeling down lately though friend.

  5. Sorry you are feeling down love. I love your blog though!! And this post is cute... especially with your amazing man. Wish I had one of those. Beautiful drawing as well.


  6. aww I get like that sometimes... instead of anxious I tend to categorize it as angry. I just don't understand why I can't fall asleep.

    That sketch is amazing! original work?
    I'm semi-new to your blog, but I'm loving it.

  7. The picture is beautiful. And, I hope you feel better real soon:) You have a keeper, btw.

  8. I have anxiety attacks all the time too. My husband just works me through it. You're awesome and your mand sounds great!!!

  9. I sometimes get like this and can't explain it either. Fortunately like you, I don't have to deal with it alone also.


  10. Thank you for your post! I am not a writer but if I could put my anxiety attacks into words I would describe it the exact same way. We are both lucky girls to have found our "calmer halves".

  11. Your boyfriend sounds very understanding. We all have days/hours/moments like that. The brain and emotions are a crazy thing. But having support is what it's all about!

  12. Oh, and will you follow me on Twitter for peete's sake! LOL.

    I need to get you more active on there Ms. Lace.



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