I was tired. I yawned & wiped my sleepy, watery eyes. I peeped over the fluffy comforter to see my boyfriend's handsomeness, completely lost in dreamland. I ran my hands over the covers in search of the remote, dying at this point to turn the television off and drift away to dreamland alongside him.
TV off and eyes shut, I twisted and turned. My heart began to beat faster & my chest became heavy. I felt the urge to cry. I did laps around my brain, searching for a reason to feel this way... but I came up with nothing. I panic. I try to get back to where I was a moment ago.
Remote in hand, i fumble for the power button and soon the room fills with glow.
I am in my cozy bed. I have my very necessary hugging pillow in my arms, my sweet boyfriend is an inch away & as far as my eyes(and brain) can see... all is well. This is something my mind and body just can't grasp though. I continue to grow uncomfortable & anxious. I fight the tears and tell myself I'm fine.
MR rolls over and gives me his routine "Go to bed, babe", and then scoots to where our faces are across from one another. "I feel uncomfortable & anxious", I tell him. He becomes alert and concerned "What is wrong?" he asks. "I just don't know..." I murmur, "I want to cry." He pulls me in close & kisses my forehead. "Relax honey. It's just me and you and everything is just fine." I take a deep breath and try to get my mind right. And then there were tears.
viaHe held me and let me cry and feel whatever it was my brain was forcing me to feel. He whispered sweet words in my ear and kissed my tear wet face... "Whatever this is that you're dealing with..." he said, "you're never going to have to deal with it alone." I'm so lucky to have MR, who is so understanding of all of this. He holds me and loves me and stands by my side during my very worst moments and my very best.
I can't explain why I felt that way or why I've felt a little down since that night. The last time I couldn't explain my anxiety, I was a child. And I suppose that's how I've been feeling these last few days. A little scared, a little empty, a little lost... like a child.
hi guys :) A few answers to questions in the comments and email messages:
1) No, I did not draw that picture! It's via we♥it ... there's a linky under & to the right of the picture :)
2) If you've been around here a while, you know this isn't my first rodeo with anxiety. I've had a disorder my entire life, so unfortunately, I'm used to it. It's just been a while since I had to deal with it. This is also the first time I've been completely and utterly happy in a relationship and dealt with it.
3) thanks for the love