"Breaking Up" With An Ex, Pt. 1

They Always "Made A Mistake"

The ex(the 6 year-er) decided he'd made a huge mistake at some point a few months ago. He called and pleaded with me. He offered me all of the things I'd always wished he had before... but I was seeing WG at that point, and I promised myself I'd see through any relationship in my own time, not because The Ex interfered. Eventually, my own time came with WG and we ended things. When The Ex learned of this news, he took it as his cue to pull out all the stops. I met him for lunch and said we could try being friends. I told him I needed time to work through my previous relationship in my head and figure out what I wanted from there. All he could see were glimmers of hope, and that was enough for him to run wild with. I think he was sure that if I was willing to be his friend again, he could "win" me back. We hung out a couple of times & each time I went home feeling unsure and weird. I loved him as a friend. I have to give it to him, he's a great friend. But the realization came creeping in that he and I can't be just friends. His thoughts on our new found friendship were true... that was his chance to win me back. The few times we hung out, I met him feeling nothing but a hunger pang in my stomach or sometimes nausea from how badly things had gone in our past. At some point I realized that for years I was scared of a future without him, and now I was scared of a future with him. I told him how I felt. I told him I loved him, but I simply was not 'in love' with him. It didn't matter that he was trying to offer me as much as he possibly could. It didn't matter that he was finally in the place that I'd wished and hoped he'd be for so many years. Because suddenly, I'm a different girl. Life will do that to you, you know? Change you & make you grow.
He pleaded. He told me how much he loved me. He was upset. He was unreasonable. He told me I hurt him. He told me he hated me for not giving him the chance. He told me he never wanted to talk to me again.
I told him I understood. I told him I wish I could make this easier for him. I told him I hated seeing him hurt like that. And I meant it, because I'd been right there before. & He happened to be the one who had made me feel that way.
He made me spend a week in bed, drop 10 lbs, question God & ignore calls from people who care about me. I was a zombie for a while. I did what I was told & while doing so, wished more than anything that I could just crawl back into bed or crawl back into my past.
I was thinking there may have been potential to spend time with him and find butterflies,
but all I found were the ghost of a good thing and the ghost of a bad thing.
& I've never really been interested in chasing ghosts.
At one time, I loved him more than anything...
but now it's just a memory.
& As much as I thought I may never be...
I'm okay with that.

& That's how I "broke up" with an ex... again.